Indeed, a series of comedic episodes have taken over the week. No tears, just episodes. Sadness on monday. Rationality and disappointment on tuesday. Bonjing on wednesday. Super sleep on thursday. And weeh on friday. I kinda surprised myself with the attitude I have lately. I know I should be romanticizing about so many things. But I really don't know why I'm not. I was thinking in the shower of how much things that seemed to matter to me before, don't anymore. After three years into something and getting into another thing, maybe I've mastered the art of just saying "bleh to you". It's a lot easier to say to say this to the one that: 1. came after the more serious (or longer) one before it, 2. kinupal ka.. A bit disappointing, really, but it was expected. And when I found out about it, I just felt so kilig. Kilig cause hypocrisy in it's finest sense has presented itself to me in a situation where in I, myself, wanted to believe that there is something to hope for.. Yun lang pala yung babagsakan nun. Puch, hindi pa ginawa sooner. The tone of bitterness can be assumed by those that read this, but really, it's all good.

Of course there was a part of me that stayed in the illusion that maybe it could be something more than what it presents itself to be. But only a quick run thru time will answer that. For now, I can see clearly what kind of kupalations (recognized or unrecognized) there are in this hell-hole. Where are the things that are true? Where are the ones that are just hypocrites and kupals? Across the ocean? The ones that touched your lip on an open field? The ones that come back for more? The ones that have held your hand when you drive? Those right in front of you, during class? Those who are so effing tacky to prove that they're different? Are they you?

No doubt I have done kupalation schemes to others, and when I don't, I'm damn proud of it. I have been officially kicked around, treated like the effing scum that grows on shit. I have done nothing, but I got this. The cycle does continue. I wished that it didn't, especially with the latest kupal. Least I know I don't deserve that. It's so much easier to be happy about a failure when you know you haven't done anything wrong, and when you feel you've actually dealt with the kind of hypocrisy that you know'll come around.

Sometimes conscience doesn't come even after the Face has kicked you in the nuts. I've expected more from you.. Funny, now I see what you really are. Good luck nalang sating lahat.

8)

Cynthia says it perfectly..
SOTM: January
I don't mind - Cynthia Alexander

Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
Please don't leave your shadow on my floor
I'll be alright

Does it matter much to me why? I don't mind
Does it matter much to me why? I don't mind
It's for me a little inconvenient
but I'll be alright
I don't mind

Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
It don't make no difference, I don't mind
You see, you're only rubbing salt on my open wounds
It'll only take awhile to be alright
I don't mind

-- She caught you - the whole you, who pointed me towards this song. And, darling, she sang it just right.

...

GHM.
+amdg+

A roller coaster ride. But still hopeful it'll be better. I've been left alone before for holding back too much. The time I decided to give it all is the time it was somehow shot down. Hee. We are our Xs. Sadly, mine was too attached. I used to be what you are. Not ready. Not wanting to settle. It's the number one rule. Never attach. Never lock lips. Never try to hard. Never give it all. And because of that, two three year investments were shot to shit. Hmm. Ironic talaga.

BUt oh well. I realized within the silent minutes of today I really do have a lot to fix. Today is the start. I'm halfway back to sanity.

Anger is a hindrance. And this is my everest. A problem I was practically born with. A zodiac configuration. An everlasting trait. The anger has gone aways before, don't know how it find its way back. Maybe things happened a little too fast. Good thing it's not as intense as before.

This is the fastest I've been sure and did what I don't do. That's why the waterworks kept working. All of that were set aside cause of the everest. It's not like I don't wanna eat. I just have to get back on track. And I will.

All else, I don't want to romaniticize to much. If I do, I'll just soak myself.

Eversince I tore my ligament on my knee, my legs got fat and I got angry more. Wow. Gotta find other outlets. And the root of the anger I shall trace. Anger management, woozah.

SOTM played over and over in my car and before I sleep.
I've been loving this song since I heard it again in your car.