What I am doing will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me....



Sunday, January 28, 2007
Blah

Walking to a new blog. Bye.

Posted at 08:01 pm by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Friday, January 26, 2007
So.. What a week eh?

Indeed, a series of comedic episodes have taken over the week. No tears, just episodes. Sadness on monday. Rationality and disappointment on tuesday. Bonjing on wednesday. Super sleep on thursday. And weeh on friday. I kinda surprised myself with the attitude I have lately. I know I should be romanticizing about so many things. But I really don't know why I'm not. I was thinking in the shower of how much things that seemed to matter to me before, don't anymore. After three years into something and getting into another thing, maybe I've mastered the art of just saying "bleh to you". It's a lot easier to say to say this to the one that: 1. came after the more serious (or longer) one before it, 2. kinupal ka.. A bit disappointing, really, but it was expected. And when I found out about it, I just felt so kilig. Kilig cause hypocrisy in it's finest sense has presented itself to me in a situation where in I, myself, wanted to believe that there is something to hope for.. Yun lang pala yung babagsakan nun. Puch, hindi pa ginawa sooner. The tone of bitterness can be assumed by those that read this, but really, it's all good.

Of course there was a part of me that stayed in the illusion that maybe it could be something more than what it presents itself to be. But only a quick run thru time will answer that. For now, I can see clearly what kind of kupalations (recognized or unrecognized) there are in this hell-hole. Where are the things that are true? Where are the ones that are just hypocrites and kupals? Across the ocean? The ones that touched your lip on an open field? The ones that come back for more? The ones that have held your hand when you drive? Those right in front of you, during class? Those who are so effing tacky to prove that they're different? Are they you?

No doubt I have done kupalation schemes to others, and when I don't, I'm damn proud of it. I have been officially kicked around, treated like the effing scum that grows on shit. I have done nothing, but I got this. The cycle does continue. I wished that it didn't, especially with the latest kupal. Least I know I don't deserve that. It's so much easier to be happy about a failure when you know you haven't done anything wrong, and when you feel you've actually dealt with the kind of hypocrisy that you know'll come around.

Sometimes conscience doesn't come even after the Face has kicked you in the nuts. I've expected more from you.. Funny, now I see what you really are. Good luck nalang sating lahat.

8)



Posted at 04:10 pm by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Thursday, January 18, 2007
You see, you're only rubbing salt on my open wounds..

Cynthia says it perfectly..
SOTM: January
I don't mind - Cynthia Alexander

Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
Please don't leave your shadow on my floor
I'll be alright

Does it matter much to me why? I don't mind
Does it matter much to me why? I don't mind
It's for me a little inconvenient
but I'll be alright
I don't mind

Does it matter much to me how? I don't mind
It don't make no difference, I don't mind
You see, you're only rubbing salt on my open wounds
It'll only take awhile to be alright
I don't mind

-- She caught you - the whole you, who pointed me towards this song. And, darling, she sang it just right.

...

GHM.
+amdg+


Posted at 11:18 pm by jaybords
THEY PULL ME BACK IN. (1)  

Friday, December 29, 2006
Like what the song says...

I'm realizing a ton of things lately. And I need to settle this. I will. Sa lalong madaling panahon. I guess, like you, i wasn't ready too.. Now, I know.
But all I really felt was this the whole time.. (ika nga ng Indigo Girls):
Come back here, and shut the door.
I'm still here. It's still you.

PS: Kaw yan. Wag magkamali.. danger! Hehe.
PPS: Give me some hagz hagz.

8)
+amdg+

Posted at 01:17 am by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Grandpa's death anniversary.

It's been 12 years. I wish I got to know you more, grandpa. I miss you, nevertheless. God bless your soul. I love you, grandpa. Please pray for the family you left here.

525600 MINUTES. Hee.

8)
+amdg+

Posted at 12:59 am by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Sunday, December 24, 2006
On the eve of Christmas

A number of us don't feel the season at all. I'll survive this. Forces of sadness are a bit strong. But yeah, I'll fight it. Di papatalo sa kalungkutan. May God be with us all.

8)
+amdg+

Posted at 10:08 am by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Friday, December 22, 2006
Mornings without you.

Days have been very silent. And that could only mean something is occupying my being. Might as well bash my face on the edge of the table just to make me smile. I am thankful for everything else around me. Really.. It's just that mornings are so hard for me.. Four months ago, mornings were pretty much the same as to how they are now - painful, lonely.. I recall the first day when I realized it was all gonna be ok, then. Mornings were better - remember what I told you? You did that for me. Thanks for the season.

Since you've been mindlessly holding captive my helpless consciousness, might as well have all of me. Hold out your hands; here I go. And I promise to be better.
I will love you still- be it in pain and in suffering, in tears and in smiles, in time and in space, in truth and in fear. No more holding back for me. I'm staying 'til there's no more.
I'll save me. I'll save me. For one more.
(JUST ONE MORE.)
 - DREams have no end in me.

8)
+amdg+

Posted at 11:00 pm by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Thursday, December 21, 2006
Horoscope

Aries. How a swak a entry a not even a funny one.

The Bottom Line

If making the most of a situation doesn't appeal to you, then make do with less.

In Detail

Someone's opportunistic tendencies have served you well in the past, but now that free ride might be coming to an end. It's time for you to make the bold moves you've been letting other people make for so long. This is the time when the rubber really meets the road, and consistency is important. If making the most of a given situation doesn't sit well with you, then you have to be willing to get along with a little bit less.

-Nex nemen. Then entry es leke wew. Christmas spirit hit me with joy this time of the year. I no longer wanna be who I was. HuhuHuhUHu. Wahuhuhu.

So there. Will sleep.

8)
+amdg+


Posted at 12:26 am by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Somewhere in the middle

A roller coaster ride. But still hopeful it'll be better. I've been left alone before for holding back too much. The time I decided to give it all is the time it was somehow shot down. Hee. We are our Xs. Sadly, mine was too attached. I used to be what you are. Not ready. Not wanting to settle. It's the number one rule. Never attach. Never lock lips. Never try to hard. Never give it all. And because of that, two three year investments were shot to shit. Hmm. Ironic talaga.

BUt oh well. I realized within the silent minutes of today I really do have a lot to fix. Today is the start. I'm halfway back to sanity.

Anger is a hindrance. And this is my everest. A problem I was practically born with. A zodiac configuration. An everlasting trait. The anger has gone aways before, don't know how it find its way back. Maybe things happened a little too fast. Good thing it's not as intense as before.

This is the fastest I've been sure and did what I don't do. That's why the waterworks kept working. All of that were set aside cause of the everest. It's not like I don't wanna eat. I just have to get back on track. And I will.

All else, I don't want to romaniticize to much. If I do, I'll just soak myself.

Eversince I tore my ligament on my knee, my legs got fat and I got angry more. Wow. Gotta find other outlets. And the root of the anger I shall trace. Anger management, woozah.

SOTM played over and over in my car and before I sleep.
I've been loving this song since I heard it again in your car.

Come on home

Dark clouds are comin' like an army
Soon the sky will open up and disarm me
You will go just like you've gone before
One sad soldier off to war, enemies that only you can see.

Dishes stacked, the table cleared
It's always like the scene of the last supper here
You speak so cryptically that's not news to me
The flood is here it will carry you
And I've got work to do.

Come on home, the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
But it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Come back here and shut the door
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles.

There is fire there is lust
Some will trade it all for someone they could trust
There's a bag of silver for a box of nails
It's so simple the betrayal
Though it's known to change the world and what's to come.

Just come on home, the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
But it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Don't you recognize them anymore
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles.

There's the given and the expected
I count my blessings while I eye what I've neglected
Is this for better is this for worse
You're all jammed up and the dam's about to burst.

I hear the owl in the night
I realize that some things never are made right
By some will we string together here
Days to months and months to years
What if everything we have adds up to nothing.

Come on home, the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
But it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
Come back here and shut the door
I'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles.


Never sawa. Walang sawa sawa - ika nga. Hee. I'm staying around til I'm kicked off. Let's all be jolly. Wahoo. Simbang gabi lang ang katapat nyan. Just like last time. Hwahoohay.

8)
+amdg+






Posted at 11:53 pm by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Monday, December 18, 2006
Ewan.

Punyeta lahat. Sleeping over Nica's now. And blah talaga mga bagay bagay. Bahala kayo.

Posted at 11:52 pm by jaybords
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS OUT,  

Next Page

Hi. I'm Jay. Indulge in nothingness, if you will. This is a sequel to the other blog: http://janinabordon.blogdrive.com. It was too pink to carry on with. Expect ambiguity and weirdness. None of what is written here will be for those who don't know anything. Cheers, friends!

PS: The logic behind the Songs of the Month, let me explain. It started out when I was in Las Vegas and played For My People over and over. Til it created some nostalgia, that whenever I heard it, I felt like I was in Vegas again. There are times when I could not describe in words the emotion I hold in me. My being in space and time is musically explained. Not that I like all of the songs here. But they are the closest to the emotion I had or they are the ones I hear most of my days. Kabaduyan ko lang. PLOOLAH!

Songs of the Month (2005):
January - Speak Softly Love
February - Alone Again Naturally
March - Rent
April - Perfect
May - Inside Your Heaven
June - She Wants to Move
July - These Days
August - More than Anyone
September - Vacuum Bag
October - Since You've Been Gone
November - Dirty Little Secret
December - You're Beautiful

Songs of the Month (2006):
January - I Just Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)
February - No Ordinary Morning
March - Blue and Yellow
April - No Me Ames
May A Song For You
June - I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)
July - Every Little Thing
August - Pressure
September - Parasol
October - All I Want
November -Black Hole Sun
December - Come on Home

Songs of the Month (2007):
January -
February -
March -
April -
May -
June -
July -
August -
September -
October -
November -
December -
   

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